Taming your inner critic

I have been part of a cultivating stillness program for the past three months. This means that day after day I listen to the same meditation for almost 20 minutes while sitting still. I never thought I would be able to sit completely still and resist the urge to stretch my legs, straighten my back, turn my head, cough, or yawn.

Yet I am able to do that due of one sentence I hear in this meditation: Instead of fighting it, soften.

It's the same with the inner saboteur.

Instead of fighting your inner critic, soften

If I had put aside a small amount of money every time a person came up to me and mentioned their struggle with their inner saboteur, I'm sure I would have been able to afford a two-week trip to Bali by now. All inclusive, no less!

During my workshops or one-on-one sessions, people come in stressed and leave relieved. At first, they talk about this monster that lives in their minds, this wall they can't get past, this demon that sits on their shoulder, always whispering about not being good enough, or prepared enough, about lack of resources and giving up instead of following one’s dreams.

People come to me to find fighting instruments and new ways to emerge victorious in their war against the saboteur.

And they leave crying 😊

Because they ultimately understand this is not about fighting, waging wars, or pushing for internal conflicts. Rather, it is about acceptance, kindness, compassion for themselves who, at some point in their lives, decided to ally with their saboteur in their desire to survive.

What is this part trying to do for you?

Richard Schwartz developed Internal Family Systems mode, a concept that aims to stop us from fighting with ourselves. In a nutshell, this theory says that our mind is made up of multiple sub-personalities, which formed during certain moments of our lives (especially during our childhood) with the sole purpose of helping us survive.

If at some point we saw the world as a dangerous place where we needed to fend for ourselves, our mind automatically created the tools to help us do this. If we lived in an environment where our emotions were not validated and we were not seen for who we were, we might have developed the limiting belief that we are not enough. And this soon became the root of all beliefs. Therefore, we were forced to bring into our lives all possible mechanisms that helped us become self-sufficient.

And what could ever work better than criticism?

In such a competitive world, dominated by a constant fear of letting others down, it is no wonder that the inner saboteur thought they could save the day and turn us into children worthy of being loved and accepted.

Stupid friend

In his teachings, Gabor Maté introduces the concept of a "stupid friend". And when he says "stupid", he doesn't mean it in the offensive sense, but rather to be understood as "naive".

All of the traits we started to develop from a young age with the sole purpose of protecting us did their job very well then, so they took it to heart as being constantly effective. So now, these parts of us, starting with the saboteur within, don't realize we are no longer children. They don't know that we are now adults, fully capable of finding other strategies to safely live our lives.

In other words, these features that we saw as allies back then, in our beginnings, continue to behave as they’ve always been doing, albeit redundantly. They just don't see it, they are a bit silly.

But why does the saboteur think we're in danger?

When we are little, we have two basic needs. The first one is the need for attachment, a child’s emotional bond with their primary caregivers. If the baby does not feel connected to at least one adult, who is always there to feed them, and fulfill their physical and emotional needs, then the baby will die.

Attachment is the first condition for us to stay alive, and our attachment figures (parents, in most cases) are our guiding beacons. We turn to them in order to navigate through life in our early years, they validate our actions, and through their eyes we get to know ourselves.

It's just that these parents of ours are also conditioned by their own painful stories, by their own limiting beliefs, by their own fears. And they will begin to educate us with their own legacy to bear. That is, using the tools they have, they begin to send us direct and indirect messages about life, about the world and, above all, about ourselves.

And so they "help" us let go of our authenticity, the second basic need. You might be constantly asked what grade your classmate got. You might receive the silent treatment whenever you do something, anything, that your parents don't like. All this does is place within you a feeling that something is fundamentally wrong about yourself and that it is no wonder you are not loved.

Therefore, you begin to work on the project of your own person, on shaping yourself and turning into a human being who is worthy of love. That is, you give up your authenticity in favor of attachment and you become what you think others want you to become.

And the path of renouncing one’s authenticity is not an easy one. You need a lot of help to be able to ignore and then completely forget who you are and put on someone else's appearance. So you have no choice than take with you on this road the only friend you know will always be there. The saboteur within. This is how a lifetime of friendship begins.

how do we get rid of it

We do not. This is not about escaping it. We don't even aim for that, we aim to understand it, accept it, integrate it and maybe give it something else to do. And it’s not an easy task.

I’ve learned this from personal experience, especially from the 4-year-old Ines, who has a very romantic view on life. She brought me into all kinds of relationships with people of the opposite gender for me to save and who, instead, made my life an ordeal. I ended up sitting at a table with this little girl, listening to her every thought, then witnessing her take her doll and leave on her own. If you’re looking to make peace with your saboteur, feel free to reach out.

Written with love by

Ines Raluca Dumitriu